What do I do?

This week has hit me like a ton of bricks. The realization that the past 16 years of my life is at an end, by no fault of my own, coupled with the hard truth that I will never be a mother, a harsh reality that I have to make the decision and no one else.

I'd be lying if I said that I had someone to talk me through this, someone that had "walked a mile in my shoes" so to speak. But there is no one in my immediate circle that has walked this road. I try to pray and all that I can muster are tears of anguish as silent screams escape from my lips. I try to speak and I can't even find the words to say. How do I do this? 

I lie awake at night, trying to pray while he's working just beyond the other side of the wall from where I am. Hearing his voice all cheerful as he acts obliviously to the inner turmoil he has caused me. Sure, I've done the servitude bit for so long that I've turned a blind eye too it. After all, it's the for better or for worse,  in sickness and health that I vowed when I said I do. I have prayed and cried and cried and prayed, fasted for this man: for him to repent and receive the Holy Ghost, for Him to be baptized in Jesus name, for him to be healed, for him to live and not die. How do I now alter that and say enough, that there is no hope for him? Pastor tells me that he has been given over to a reprobate mind. Webster's defines reprobate as an unprincipled or depraved person: a scoundrel, rogue. That leads me to ask what depraved means: morally corrupt, wicked.

For 16 years now, I have lived with this man. I have seen the depravity but overlooked much of it.  Being raised the way we were, the "covered by the blood" and "fire insurance" mentality swept a lot of things under the rug and into the closets of our lives. What was done in our home mattered to no one but us. It didn't matter if we were in church or out of church, the places we visited, the programs we watched, or the places we shopped. To see us, we were anyone else on the street and you could not tell that we were 'Christians'. For me, that changed when I came to LAPC in March of 2021. I started to be mindful of the places I went, the things I put in front of me, even the things I would do inside my own home when no one else is around. Do I fail? Of course I do, I'm human. But it is repent and begin again. I really thought Matt would get it too once he got the Holy Ghost in his life.

I watched, prayed and cried as he fought so hard against receiving when Bro. Prather, Pastor and Bro. Nathan prayed over him the first time to receive. Then I cried again as he denounced everything about the Apostolic faith and turned his back on God. I was elated when he found his way back to God and seemed to have the same passion for outreach that I did. I should have known better though. I have realized that Matt only does things to bring attention to himself. When we made a donation to the building fund or the bus ministry, he made sure to wave the cash around, even trying to hand deliver it to pastor instead of just putting it in an envelope and putting it in the plate. The hospital stays, not wanting to ask prayers for himself but wanting me to keep everyone updated. He wanted the best of both worlds and it just doesn't work that way. He wants the pity and the prayer but not the healing. 

I ask myself what do I want? Where do I see myself in a year? In 5 years? I can't answer that. I have been kept in the darkness of this for so long that my vision has been lost. I can't see past what is directly in front of me and that's scary because what is right in front of me is not what I want. I don't want to be captive in this place any longer but I have no vision for where to go or how to get there.