Renewing your mind

Why I thought of this I'm not quite sure, unless it is because of football season starting again. But when I was in band, we had a cheer that we did with the cheerleaders that said "Elevate your mind, get yourself together. Elevate your mind, don't worry about the weather. When I count to three, ________ with me" That blank could be any number of words: clap, dance, shout, but the overall favorite was win. After all, we were cheering on our boys to win the game. Like I said, unless it was me hearing the stadium announcer coming from the nearby high school when I went outside on break earlier, I really don't know where that thought came from. 

But that old cheer goes right along with what I have been thinking and experiencing lately. I'll be honest, if you look back through these blogs that I have written, they are all over the place. In one, I'm quoting scripture and sounding like a Bible scholar and the next, it's like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel with nothing left inside of me. 

I'm trying to be raw and transparent. I haven't shyed away from the mess that was my past in any way shape or form. In many ways, I embraced it because it gave me an identity as much as I hate to admit that. I was that girl who was baptized so many times but still messed up. I was the one that got pregnant and made the wrong decision. I was the alcoholic/addict. But those things had little hold over me. The more glaring things for me were tied with my identity and words that had been spoken for so long. 

When you spend a lifetime being called hey you, twin, twin 2, the other one or just Turner twin, it does something to your mind. It makes you forget who you are and what you are capable of. It causes a disconnect between the mind and the spirit that has to be corrected and repaired. Until that happens, there is no amount of self affirmations or, I hate to say it, scriptures to read, that can fix it. 

I'll try to explain the best I can. I know everyone is tired of me using the line of when I got into church and found truth, but I can't help it. Where I am today and what I am experiencing would not be possible if not for that moment. So, when I started at my church 5 1/2 years ago, I didn't realize the extent of broken that I was. I knew I had "issues" of course. But this was different. 

I've spent these years living in a vicious cycle of extremes: the highest mountains and the deepest abyss.  I can't call it just deep valleys due to the sheer darkness and depth some of these places took me. But by the grace of God, He always brought me out. Somewhere along the way, I started to pick up some scriptures that I put as foundation stones. 

The first of those scriptures is Romans 12:2, "And be ye not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." I've heard that scripture my entire life but it wasn't until I got here that I could actually see it begin to work in my life. 

After 44 years of being "programmed" that you're not important enough for someone to even remember your name, that you'll never accomplish anything, that you're a joke and a failure, it's been a difficult reset. But day by day, moment by moment those words of being transformed and renewing my mind started to gain traction. But I wasn't there yet.

Another scripture I had to build on was Psalm 139:13-15, "For thou hast. Possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth." This spoke to all the negatives of being "the other one". 

I know that Dr. McCain meant absolutely zero malice towards me when he made that exclamation in that delivery room. What he spoke was out of pure suprise and astonishment. But the phrase had dictated and directed my mindset and ideology about myself for a lifetime. So much so, that it became my identity. I wasn't Shana. I was the other one, twin or Lynn's sister. I had even become Matt's wife and (as one of his former co-workers called me) Mrs. Matt. 

But as I studied, listened and continued this journey, things began to shift and change. Jesus said this in John 8:31-32 (I'm going to start with where the red letters are), "If ye continue in my Word, then are ye my disciples indeed. And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make ye free." I kept writing, putting pen to paper or fingers to keys trying to work out everything that was trying to shift inside of me. I can promise that, even with the many things I have written, there are so many that I have started and stopped. It may be a sentence or a paragraph only, but it was what I needed to hear and write in that moment. I've learned thatbits not always about a long post. Sometimes, its just the Holy Ghost speaking a reminder I need to write down to remind myself of something in that moment. 

Why did I say all of that? Because the small, minute changes aren't happening anymore.  The switch flipped to turn on that Light and things are moving in bigger ways now. About a month ago, I felt myself starting that downward trek again. I had went to lunch with my pastor and his wife and I listened as two people began to tell me how valuable I was and that I was worth something, that I deserved better. They called me by name. They reminded me of my worth and that I was able to do and be anything.  Then I thought back to to the 5 1/2 years where I've been given a face to be recognized, not as twin or that other one, but as a sister and friend.

I believe my friend, Chasity, sang this at church the other day but don't quote me on it, it simply says, "He knows my name, Yes, He knows my name And oh, how He walks with me. Yes oh how He talks with me. And oh, how He tells me that I am His own. You know my name, You know my name. You know my name, You know my name. And oh, how You comfort me. And oh how You counsel me. Yet it still amazes me that I am Your friend." It struck me that He has been calling, teaching, molding and shaping me over these years. Within this last year since Matt passed, yes I have called myself a widow but that's not who I identity as. My greatest identification is bride of Christ. He knows my name and He calls me.  

In Isaiah 43:1-2 says, " But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passes through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee." Somewhere within the last 30 days, each of the verses that I have shared in this blog all melded together and transformed my mind. Everything I had struggled and fought with all of these years suddenly didn't matter anymore. Why?

As I set my mind on Him and the things which He desired to give me, all of what the world had said or done didn't seem quite so loud anymore.  The words of being able to do anything through Christ which strengthens me, that He has a purpose and a plan to prosper me not harm me, that He has called me for a purpose began to be louder. Have I made it? No, there are still days where that old voice tries to yell louder. But what I've learned is that it's not always the loudest voice screaming at you that you need to pay attention to. It's just making noise. Instead, I'm listening to that still, small voice that calls me by name. He has my best interest at heart.