Mourning beyond the grieving

I have questioned myself over this last month many times about how I have responded to Matt's passing. I've watched in my lifetime while a person crumbles and is unable to function following the loss of a loved one. I have also seen where a person laughs and smiles through the entire process, even gently offering their loved one a kiss with a promise to see them soon (but not in a suicidal way). 

Why such the difference in the way we act? How could grief look so different? It is because that not everyone is in the grieving process. They may be in mourning instead. 

Grief is the internal, emotional response to loss, while mourning is the outward, public expression of that grief. Grief encompasses private thoughts and feelings like sadness, pain, or fear, whereas mourning involves the actions, rituals, and behaviors used to process and express those feelings, such as crying, journaling, or attending a funeral. Both are essential for healing, as mourning helps externalize and share grief, providing a way to work through it and find support. 

The ones who are tore up and feel as if they are unable to cope to an unexpected loss are those who are grieving. Those who are laughing and able to say I'll see you soon are mourning. I will say it this way, the unexpected deaths that catch you completely off guard lead to deep grief almost 99.99999% of the time. There was no warning or any way to prepare for what you have suddenly been thrust into the middle of. Your mind, emotions and every part of you goes into a survival mode because that is all you can do in that moment. Once the tears stop, the other stages of grief began to show up in the denial, the bargaining, the pleading before giving way to acceptance.

Mourning comes mostly from those who have been faced with life altering medical diagnoses. Whether that be a terminal illness such as cancer, ALS or a combination of comorbidities for which there is no cure, these "caretakers" grieve from the moment of diagnosis until acceptance comes. They still go through the same process as the one who experiences sudden loss, the only difference is at the end of their day there is still a job to do of caring for a loved one. That period could last for days, months or even years before the finality of the disease makes itself known and death occurs. The person still mourns the what ifs and what could have beens but there is no melt down, no having to come to terms with what has happened.

I have questioned for over a month now why all of this hasn't hit me like a ton of bricks. After all, walking into a room you had just walked out of 3 hours prior from talking with someone to find them laying there deceased should have shook me to the core. In the moment of shock, yes, it was the worst feeling I had ever felt. But even when my grandparents, aunt or uncle passed who had been sick for so long, tears came and I was upset but there was a knowing that they were not suffering any more. 

With Matt, it started slowly with an infection in January 2019 with another in December of that same year. From there, things began to snowball. Surgery after surgery, a heart attack by age 40, more surgery followed by dialysis then amputation and more surgery. In the midst of that, a poor choice which resulted in him being asked to stay away from a place he loved and I began to watch as he gave up. He gave up hope, gave up on life, had no desire to live.

It was in this time two years ago, that I began to grieve.  Watching as the only thing he desired to do was lay in bed to sleep, or stay on Tik-Tok trying to make friends the only way he felt he could. I'm sure he compromised himself in some ways to get noticed by others but even exploited his amputation as a means for gain.  I cried and lamented over where he was going and for the life that he could have had. Once I past the tears, I boiled with anger. I was angry at God for putting me in this position but I was more angry at him for not caring enough to try to do any better.  How could he care so little about himself or what he was doing to "us"? 

Once I moved past the anger, I began to beg and plead with God to change him, to make him better. I asked over and over to just let Matt get back to where he was, to be able to go to church, to feel the Holy Ghost move in his life again. I promised God that I would do anything he wanted me to "if he would heal Matt" . My obedience was rooted in what He would do for me. But then...

Acceptance. In July of 2025, I sat and asked the question of my pastor of how would I decide between caring for Matt and being there for church and church family as we were moving into a new season. How do I prioritize the vow that I made before God to love, honor and cherish him in sickness and health and the command of God to not forsaken the assembling of ourselves together, to be taught by the folly of preaching?  Pastor's words were to always put God first.

Those were not the words I wanted to hear in that moment. I wanted the "free pass" to stay home and relax with Matt. I could have chosen to do that but I was torn. I anguished, tossing and turning many nights wrestling with God on what I should do until...here is where I lay it down, every burden every doubt. This is my surrender.  Acceptance came and there was no more wrestling. 

I began to serve my husband in ways that I had not been, doing things without him asking for them. I began to cherish time with him once again. As August faded and September came, I think Matt knew his time was coming close. Days that I would normally go into the office to work, he would beg for me to stay home with him. "Just one more day, you can go into the office tomorrow," he would say but tomorrow never came. The only days he didn't raise a fuss about me going our were Sunday and Wednesday for church. He had started talking about God again and was trying his very best to get a family member to come down to go to church with him. But that was never able to happen.

So when people ask me how I can smile and laugh when my husband just died, it's simple. I'm mourning past the grief. The grief consumed me for almost two years but once acceptance came, I was free to mourn. 

It's like the young preacher taught on last night, there's hope and a future and you'll never get there hanging out in the past.  I could not step into this season and purpose that God has for me being tied and torn to what could have been.