31 days

Thirty-one days, that's how long you have been gone. Well, thirty-two by the time I'm writing this. Spiritually, the number 31 often symbolizes a combination of creativity and new beginnings with the need for stability and structure, representing the balancing of imagination with practical action. It is seen as a sign to build your dreams on a solid foundation, urging you to use your talents and focus on your goals with divine guidance and support. In numerology, it's the sum of energies from the numbers 3 (creativity, joy) and 1 (new beginnings, leadership), which simplifies to the foundational energy of 4 (stability, structure). 

Now, do I believe in this numerology stuff? No, I don't. But I find something in this that speaks loudly to me. It was 31 days since I last heard your voice, when we had discussed our dreams and things that we desired to do moving forward. Places to go, things to do, trips that we had discussed for what seemed like an eternity but never had the time or the money to take. But even in those dreams that we had, there was no solid foundation to build on. Having to plan around doctors appointments or dialysis schedule, how would we truly be able to go to enjoy ourselves. 

In these 31 days, I've leaned on God. I haven't been perfect by any means. I've failed and failed again. But I got back up and tried again. With every day that passes, I try to be strong. But I walk home into silence, to no one but me, alone. Shiloh is here, always sleeping at my feet, but he can't communicate or hear me when I speak. He cannot offer words of comfort and reciprocate my love, only offer me a wagging tail and a lick of love. 

Then as I lay me down to sleep, the heart in my chest feels like it will cease to beat. Then as draw breath to fill my lungs it's as if there is nothing there moving through. As panic sets in I silently ask, Lord is it my time, my final task? Then in an instant I beg Him to wait. Lord I'm not ready for the end of my days. There's still so much that I have to do, lives that need to be touched and shown the love of You.

So 31 may be the days since then, but today is day 1 of a new life with Him.  I cannot hide and remain anchored to a past, no matter how long we were together or how long we thought we had.  Today is a new season, all things are made new. I am renewing my mind and conforming to You.  




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