Troubling times will come

I Peter 5:6-11reads "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen."

The past few weeks have been tremendously hard. I have found myself in my head a lot, fighting off depression and thoughts of failure and defeat. I have cried out to God and told Him i am weary, that I don't know how much more I can handle. By His grace and mercy, He has awakened me each day and given me strength to go about my day. But I struggle still. 

My family at church wants to be there for me, asking what they can do to help and trying to encourage me. I'm reminded often that they cant help unless I ask.  But that's just it, where I am in this season, I dont know what I need. It's not my pride that prevents me from asking, it's a genuine not knowing. Prayer, yes. A few groceries, yes. A way out of this nightmare, a huge YES.  But it is not meant for me to be out of this season yet. Due season has not arrived.

For example, all week I have told the hubby that I had outreach Sunday before church and that we had the ice bucket challenge afterwards.  No problem. I get in from work on Saturday evening and he decides he wants to talk till 3 am. That's fine, I still have 6 hours before my alarm is set to go off.  Alarm sounds at 9 on Sunday morning  and I get up to do the things I need to do before getting ready: take the dog outside, ensure Matt has his meds, fix him something to eat and drink while I get the AC unit defrosted to cool for the day.  Everything is set and it's time to jump in the shower and BOOM! He chooses that moment to be when he needs help to get to the bathroom and subsequently ends up in the floor where his prosthetic did not click in.  Nevermind that the pin of his sleeve slams into my foot while I'm assisting him, I let him fall. Off to the living room for the lift that he just had to have for this exact purpose and we are on the way.  

Not so fast there. He can't be bothered to get into the sling as he should be so of course, failure. Not once. Not twice. But three times I have him up in the air to get him where he needs to be yet "He can't breathe" and he makes me put him back down onto the floor. Next try is to get the air mattress out and use it to lift him up where he can roll himself back onto the bed.  Nope, won't try that either because he's got to use the bathroom and he's got to go now.  Now, I have a mess to clean up while fighting the urge to vomit, and I still have to get him off the floor. All the while he's shouting at me to just go get in the shower and get ready for church. I am dripping wet with sweat. I'm not going to get clean just to get hot and sweaty again.

I get him cleaned up and by this time, it is already time for outreach to start. I tell him again that he's going to have to roll himself onto the bed from the air mattress.  It's a funny thing that the very thing he insisted wouldn't work, worked.  

I probably shouldn't have said all of that but it's frustrating.  I made vows to him that I would be with him in sickness and in health and it sounds like I'm trying to shrink out of the sickness part. Absolutely not. You see, there is a spiritual battle within my home. The adversary, the devil, has a firm grip on my husband and he uses my faithfulness to him as a means of attack. I'm aware of this but feel powerless to stop it, especially when it comes to him falling in the floor.

Outreach is important to me, not just because we get to go into our community.  I have had a heart for missions since I was a little girl. Being able to spend time in New Mexico on the reservation all those summers ago instilled a love of teaching and sharing the Word in a way that the youngest child could understand.  When these things happen and it stops me from being able to be there, my voice is silenced and I am not fulfilling the calling He has given me.

This is just my late night ramblings. But I feel that for the first time in a long while I have been able to voice what I was feeling.