when tired is all you know

Have you ever reached a place where you are just tired? You're physically, emotionally and spiritually just tired and you can't put into words as to the reason why? Well, that's where I am right now.

All day I work at my job, which is not physically assertive in any means, but I work hard at it to be the best that I can. Then I log off for the day to come home to begin job #2 of caring for my husband.  Yes, he could do it for himself but refuses to do a lot. Fear has gripped him so tightly that he is afraid to do anything unless I am right by his side. This usually means that I do for him instead of he for himself. This usually results in him spending the day sleeping while I'm working then he wants to stay awake all night chatting the night away. Limited sleep and caffeine are my rallying cry daily.  

My desire when getting into the new home was to have a dedicated area where I could study and pray. The area is set up but sadly has not been used. Each time I head towards my time there, he bellows for something else to be done or he needs something at that exact moment that can't wait. My prayer time is usually lying awake at night while he snores away. I may lay there for hours just talking to God, and that's OK, but it's not the time He deserves or that I desire to have with Him. 

Last week during pre-service prayer, I had reached the point of complete breakthrough. I felt a rush of the Holy Ghost as He flooded in and just as quickly He was gone. Unknowingly, a sister came up to hug me while I was sitting there and started talking to me in that moment drawing me out of my prayer.  No matter how diligent I've been, I have not been able to make it back to that level. Then as Bro. Nathan preached on from the pit to purpose, I was sitting there in tears, reminiscent of the very first night I came into LAPC. I felt all of the same inner turmoil I had felt that day well up inside of me all over again.  I asked Sis. Megan on Tuesday why does it feel like every time I take a step to get myself out of the pit that I get grabbed by the ankles and drug deeper into the pit. What's the adage, misery loves company? As long as I'm with him, am I to just live in the pit of despair with him? 

My vows i made on the day we wed said that I would love, honor and cherish him for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live, right? As I was praying alone this evening after service, I came to the very real conclusion that I no longer love, honor or cherish him. Not because he got sick and is no longer healthy, but I no longer love, honor or cherish the person he is.  He is a selfish,  egocentric person that has sucked the life out of me, controlling what I can do and where I can go at all times. 

There is more that I could write but for the sake of time I won't.  I'm clawing at the dirt in this pit and trying to get out. 

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