I Had to Write This Down

I want to say that I love the Lord. I'm grateful for the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. All of my life, I have had a longing within me for something that was greater than myself. I would throw myself into things desiring to be the very best that I could so that I didn't feel like a failure. Anything less than perfection was not an option, especially for my dad.
When I started faithfully attending church as a teenager, I wasn't surprised when it began to be used as a form of punishment when I failed at something. Church meant something to me, therefore if I failed I would not be allowed to go until that failure was rectified. Then, attendance became a means of manipulation and control. Yet I still desired to go.  There was something within me crying out for more. Week in and week out as I sat on that pew listening as the preacher shared the Word, inevitably to find myself for the 30th, 50th or 100th time quietly making my way to an alter because I felt drawn to something deeper than what I had. 

After years in the same type of church I made a  change. I felt something a little more fulfilling in this new place, something I had never felt before. I began to feel almost alive. They talked of the Holy Ghost and having a baptism in the Holy Ghost and speaking in tongues.  But, they cautioned that not everyone that had the baptism spoke in tongues, that some got other gifts of the Spirit as a symbol of the infilling.  I wanted it. I prayed. I sought the Lord. I begged and I got a few words but I wanted more.  My college pastor told me at the time that I had received all of the Holy Ghost I would ever need.  That couldn't be all, could it? I wanted more. The more I wanted God, the more I felt pushed aside. I was struggling and asked friends, close confidants, for help. Instead of guidance or help, I was met with judgment and condescending words, telling me that I was possessed by demons and that I was going to hell.  There were no words from scripture to point me to God or a "let's pray about it."  So, I quit going to church all together. If I couldn't have all of God that I desired, then God didn't deserve me.  Or at least that was the way I felt at the time and the way these "friends" led me to believe. 

Then it all changed.  After years of not being in church and watching my life slowly fall apart, suddenly it became everything I wanted it to be.  I have finally found a place that teaches the Word and not man's interpretation of scripture.  I have found a place where I am taught that I can have all of God that I want because He desires to spend time with me.  I have seen miracles happen and know that I am one.  Has my life been perfect since? No, not at all. But those things that before would have led me out into the world on a path of destruction and death has led me to an altar and prayer.  When profanity laced tyrads would have spewed out of my mouth there have been anguished cries bathed in tears. These past months has been challenging with all that I have had going on at home with Matt, his amputation and all it has entailed.  But looking at these months I can say I wouldn't change them, especially these past few weeks.  Within that time, there has been something that shifted inside of me where I now know that God has been pursuing me.  As the bride longed for her lover in Song of Solomon, God has desired me as His bride.  I went to bed the other night with my mind thinking over that thought and I woke up dreaming of being in the Spirit with Him.  There is a depth to what I feel, to what I know to be real in my life now. Before I had questioned and doubted if what I was doing was right but today I can say without a doubt, I am 100% where I am supposed to be. LAPC, you are HOME. 

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