Hidden with Purpose

Several years ago, I began a journey of writing about my life. I always went back to my birth and the shocked and awed doctor making an exclamatory remark that has dictated much of my life. When one's expectation did not meet reality in that moment, the statement became my identity. To hear the phrase, "Oh my God! There's another one!" exclaimed over and over as a mantra leads to a break in the psyche of that individual.  You develop a mindset that says you should not have been, you were not wanted, the after-thought that will never be anything in life.

For years I struggled and when I started the writing project, I felt as if I had found a voice. But the focus of that writing changed or shifted from that part of my life to everything else that had happened in my life. I shifted from how that statement had influenced me for my life to glorifying the things I did wrong because of it.  I felt hidden and unseen.  But my pastor made a statement during the service last night that struck me. I don't recall the exact words he spoke but it was a long the lines of "the devil tries to keep you hidden and squashed because if you ever realize the purpose, there will be power." 

I was thinking about that as I drove home last night. One of the scriptures I hold dear for my life is Jeremiah 29:11. Of course when I memorized this verse it was not as the KJV but NIV or something, but in the KJV it says "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." The one I had learned changed peace and evil to the words prosper and harm; to give an expected end was to give a hope and a future. As I lay in bed, I drifted off to sleep still weighing what my pastor had said along with the context of this verse. When I woke up, I had a different idea pop into my head. Idea may be the wrong word there but nonetheless, it was a different thought than I went to bed with.

I was awakened by my husband's alarm at 6 am as he was getting up in preparation for a trip to dialysis. I was thinking about a horse, but not a real horse. I was seeing a Trojan horse. Now I must admit, I know absolutely nothing about the story of the Trojan horse. Until I googled it and pulled up a Wikipedia article to learn it was Greek mythology, I thought it was a for real war tactic. As I read though, I did learn a little. The Trojan horse was described as a trick or rouse, giving us the modern term used to describe viruses that attack our computer networks.  They are seen as innocent gifts with malicious intent. However, it was the definitions that caught my attention the most. "The term "Trojan horse" is used metaphorically to mean any trick or strategy that causes a target to invite a foe into a securely protected place; or to deceive by appearance, hiding malevolent intent in an outwardly benign exterior; to subvert from within using deceptive means." (Used from Wikipedia)

When pastor was preaching last night and made the statement which he did, it all began to click.  The words spoken by that surprised doctor so long ago and rehearsed by my family over and over created a way for the enemy to hold me down continuously. It was the last part of the definition"to subvert from within using deceptive means".  The enemy wanted me to believe that I was nothing, that there was no purpose for me and my life.  He kept me feeling as if I was on the outside of the gate and no one would allow me entry into the city. But the story of the Trojan horse did not end with defeat or the horse being left outside of the city. It was wheeled inside in grandiose, receiving the gift which had been left.  The horse was filled with warriors that was able to win the war once inside the gates.

As I thought of that, the warriors inside of that horse, I thought of another scripture, Psalm 139:14-16, "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them." Those warriors may have been hidden yet they were there for a purpose. 

The entirety of my mother's pregnancy, she was told there was only one child, a healthy baby boy.  I was perfectly postioned behind my twin so that I was hidden from everyone and everything. It was not until the time for delivery that my presence was even known. It has taken years to arrive at this point but what was hidden has come to purpose. No longer will the enemy be allowed to subvert from within my mind to tell me that my life has no purpose. I was not hidden from the One that made me and I was not hidden when He filled me with the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. He gave me purpose and power to be a voice for Him.