If I'm being honest

In March of 2021, I was in a very dark place in my life. I was depressed and suicidal, just making it through the day to come home to sleep and repeat my misery. I was in a volunteer organization that I felt was my family, but really I was just an outsider trying my best to fit a mold of what someone else wanted for me. The only good that came from this involvement was meeting the gentleman that is now my pastor. He helped me through many of those dark days back then and introduced me to the way of Truth. He invited me to church and told me to come as I was. I took him at his word and showed up on my pants and station polo shirt.

That first service was March 10,  I believe, and I've missed very few since, only for work and an illness.  I followed the Acts 2:38 message of repentance to the best of my understanding at the time, baptism in Jesus name and the reception of the Holy Ghost. I'm learning though that repentance is more than just saying I'm sorry and going on about my business. There is an ongoing battle though that I face in my mind. Often, I have to fight the old mindsets of my religious past. The thought of all I have to do is go to church and be a good person wants to reer it's head to make me lazy in my walk on this new path. But it's not really a new path, it is an old one: one that I forget that I am new to being a part of.

When I was a teenager, I went to school with a Pentecostal girl. I went to a Baptist Church then and was constantly inviting folks to youth group and different outings we had planned. I didn't care what your church affiliation was, my mindset was the more the merrier. I even invited the Pentecostal girl. Looking back, she never once invited me to her youth group. I was searching back then for more but was relegated to what I knew. Now, I'm in a place where they speak of the old paths: the miracles, the demonstrative worship services that used to be, the shout, and so many other things. I'm of the age group that has witnessed these and even been a part of them, but I've never been a part of these type of services. Sure, I've seen Sis. Teeples when she's shouted but to be a part on a consistent basis, I sit and ponder what is wrong with me.

I was there the night when Sis. Diane's eyes were healed. I was there when Sis. Chasity and Sis. Megan were given cancer diagnosis only for them both to be clear. Why is it then that I have so much doubt about what God can do? Is it because I'm bound by chains in my mind? I know what I have experienced and have seen in my life too much to go the way of my religious past, but am I holding on by a thread to what is because I'm afraid to truly let go? Jesus said that to follow Him you must be willing to deny everything, give up father and mother to take up your cross and follow Him. Is my holding on my unwillingness to follow Him? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Christmas poem for my LAPC family

In March of 2021, I was as lost as I could be. I had no purpose, no plan and felt that all I had was me. While I had people around me, outwardly appearing just fine, no one knew that I felt dead inside. Then by chance a video came across my Facebook feed, hearing a preacher speak directly to me. Things I had heard before in what I felt was another life, opened my eyes to what had become my plight. As the days slowly passed till I could speak to this man, the words which he had spoken were kept close at hand. Replaying and rewatching clinging to every word, wanting to leave no doubt as to what it was that I heard. Once I stepped foot slowly inside of that hallowed place, the Spirit I had longed for stood stong in my face. As I crumpled in tears in the presence of pure grace, knowing He had kept me protected while He led me to this place. As these years have passed since walking through those doors, He has given me a family here and so very much more. I have friends that are closer than ...
Read more

Where ever you are-I've got a key

"Are you standing at a crossroad wondering which road you should take? And you′re dreading the decision and a possible mistake But the will of God won't lead you where the grace of God can′t keep you You will never be out of His care. Remember that the lord's already there Wherever you are, wherever you're going God is right there beside you seeing and knowing Wherever you go, He already knows what lies ahead and what′s behind You′ll always find He's never too far from wherever you are You are waiting to hear thunder and see lightening in the sky Oh, but God can work His wonders through a still small voice inside Just keep listening and learning and continue on your journey Following the one who is the way Oh, He′s the only road you need to take" I have known the words to this song since I was a teenager, so that is a long time.  I did forget them though.  For weeks I had sat and cried out to God, begging for a way, for an answer that I felt would never come. ...
Read more

Pentecost-it's not just a day it's life

In the world we live in, churches and other religious organizations love to have events they can utilize to draw in the crowds.  Huge productions or special services for Christmas and Easter, special nights of worship with certain well known singers coming in to draw a crowd and the like. The most recent was in honor of Pentecost Sunday, the day that the Holy Ghost was first made manifest among those gathered in the upper room. It is a day that occurs roughly 40-50 days after Easter. This is where Jesus had spoken to the disciples and those who were gathered together to watch His ascension where He spoke the words of Acts 1:8, "But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth." That day, He made the declaration to tarry together for t...
Read more