Running on Empty

Decades ago, when I was still a teenager, the choir director at my church was part of a Southern Gospel quartet. Apart from being a fantastic singer, he and members of the group were talented and gifted writers and musicians. Many of the songs the sang were Solid Rock originals.

I haven't heard those old songs for years. I couldn't tell you where my last cassette tape went that I recorded "live" at some church we were at. There are two that I have thought about a lot lately. The one was Stone by Stone, which says "Stone by Stone, inch by inch, I'll tear down that wall. Oh don't loose faith, you shall overcome cause you serve a mighty God." It's fitting because there are so many walls that have been built in my life. Each time one comes down there always seems to be another one. I'm tired of the walls but I hold onto and try to rebuild them so often because they are the only "security" I have known. 

The other song I struggle to remember the words to but what I remember says "Are you running on empty through a dry and thirsty land, seeking an oasis in the Masters living hand?". The next few words are what I can't remember but it ended with "You'll get nowhere in a hurry running on empty."  The past few months I have tried to go full speed ahead in every aspect of my life. I have tried to be there for my family (mom, Lynn, Gracie, Tori and Matt) whenever they have needed me. I have put things that I have wanted or needed on hold for the greater good of keeping the peace in my home. 

I kept coming to church because that is the only place I feel anything. Outside of there, I am only numb and empty. I feel nothing. As Bro. Phelps spoke Tuesday night about hunger, it was the first time I felt God outside the walls of the church. As I sat listening to the man of God, my heart began to race as I felt the spitting and sputtering of the emptiness inside. I began to mutter the words "Hungry I come to you for I know you satisfy." 

I went home and began to pray, or at least try to. As I drove to church for Wednesday night service, I found myself praying these words "God, I'm tired of living in this anger and pain. I'm tired of the animosity and the emptiness. I don't know how to let go. I've tried to lay it down so many times but I don't know who I am without it. God, how do I let go of something that has been inside of me for so long that I don't know where it ends and I begin?" I prayed during pre -service prayer the same words. 

It's been 3 years next month since I came to LAPC and I've been riding on E for about a year now. I got nowhere in a hurry and I'm not going much farther. I know I laid some things on the altar tonight and I'm in a better place than I was but I got to have a fill-up. I know what I've got to do because I've had a great pastor and teacher to lead me in what just be done. 

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